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|Saturday, April 6th, 2013|
|I started this post a couple months ago and forgot all about it.
I recently had a revelation about something and I thought I would share it here. Mainly to be able to organize the thoughts and feelings and put them into something more tangible. So here goes.
I am English. We moved to America when I was six years old. I'm now 30. For all intents and purposes I am American. But I refuse to accept that. Jim loves to push my buttons and tell me I'm not English. It makes me angry and I never really knew why. Then I thought about it. I mean, really thought about it. Even though I grew up in America, I grew up with English parents. 'American' was always used as a derogatory term in our house. 'Oh, she's so American! Thank God you're not like that!'. If I did something English, I was praised. If I did something American, I was shamed. To this day, my dad will still try to correct my pronunciation of words. Don't get me wrong, at this time in my life I wish I still had my accent. But throughout elementary and middle school I was told that I talk funny, and it was just one more thing for kids to pick on me for. I don't remember it being a conscious thing, but I know I desperately wanted to fit in.
So yes, I have lived in America for most of my life. I look and sound American. But I was still raised in an English environment. Of course this brings me to a whole other issue I have. The duality of my life. I've always been stuck in some sort of limbo. Like I said, I feel English, which makes me feel out of place over here. But send me to England and I am obviously not like anyone there. So I feel out of place there also. Neither place really feels completely like home.
There's more I want to say on the duality thing, because it seems to be a pattern across many different aspects of my life. But I don't feel like writing about it right now. So maybe later.
|Sunday, January 13th, 2013|
I write in here so rarely these days that it seems about time for an update. Work is going well. Nine months in and still loving it. I'm still ridiculously shy and quiet around most people, but there are a few I am starting to get to know better. Even gone to lunch and happy hour with a couple of them. I know I'll get to a place where I'm comfortable, but it takes a long time for me. Last month was the Christmas party where some people did get to see a different side of me. The party was at Triumph in New Hope (across the parking lot from work). My anxiety was high and the beer was plentiful. A couple of the guys are in a band and they played that night. After many beers and at least one shot, I ended up on stage dancing with bells (in my defense I was invited up). I really don't remember much of it, but I remember having a damn good time. My awesome coworker gave me a ride home that night. The next day I get an IM from my boss saying that he loved the dancing with the bells. And another IM from a coworker saying that I was the surprise of the evening and he could see me coming out of my shell. I'm glad they got a glimpse at the fun-loving, not silenced by fear, side of me.
Wedding plans are coming along nicely. Although I know May is going to be here in no time, so I need to get in gear with the things I would 'figure out later'. At least most (if not all) of the big stuff is sorted out. So there's that.
The main reason why I thought to post in here was because I had a really nice weekend. Friday night Jim and I met up with Mike and Alana for dinner at The Metropolitan. It was very good. We ended up getting home around 10:30pm, so I took some ZzzzQuil and got a really good night's sleep.
Saturday I got up and tidied up the house. Jim had a migraine, so he napped on the couch while I tried to quietly clean around him. Luckily he woke up feeling better, because we took my parents to The Local for lunch. The Local is our new favourite restaurant nearby. They use all fresh/local produce,meat,eggs,etc. The food is really good.
Jim and I had initially planned to go to the gym saturday afternoon, but instead we opted for an at home workout. We've been playing DDR during the week after work for part of our fitness regime. So we did some of that, then watched The Biggest Loser while exercising (that show is quite motivating). After all that, we were free to relax and enjoy our saturday night.
It was a late saturday night, but I had to get up early sunday morning because I was going to the Franklin Institute to see the Titanic exhibit with Alana and Jen. I have a slight obsession with that ship. In 8th grade we read A Night to Remember, and since then, I was hooked. I read every book I could find about it. Something about the tragedy fascinated me. The exhibit was really cool. They had all kinds of artifacts that had been recovered. And they recreated sections of the ship (The Grand Staircase, the first class hallway, etc). There was even an iceberg. It was an exhausting day, but a lot of fun.
So I guess that's about it. I'm almost done the second Walking Dead compendium (Jim gave me both of them for Christmas). With how much I'm reading it, I'm surprised I've only had one dream about zombies so far. Definitely can't wait for the show to start up again!
|Sunday, March 25th, 2012|
|"You can't take the sky from me"
As anyone who has read this journal in the past 4-5 years might know, I've had numerous ups and downs with my current employer. Things go from bad to worse to tolerable, repeat. You're expected to live and breathe for the company who treats you like you're worthless and pays you like that. It's been one hell of a roller coaster ride. However, me having a degree in Photography, it has been difficult to get into the computer field. So an entry level tech support job not only got me the experience I needed, but also the promotions and education to move on. And it has finally happened.
Not only did I get a new job, but I got a new job that seems to be with an amazing company that actually appreciates its employees. The company is called My Yearbook. They are a social networking company, much like Facebook. Here are some of the benefits of working there: Located in New Hope (right next to Triumph Brewery), free gym membership, free Starbucks, catered lunches twice a month, catered dinners monday-thursday every week, softball team (they were very excited that I used to play), quarterly parties at Triumph, not to mention the $12,000 salary increase! The company just has a good vibe. They know how to get good work out of people. Needless to say, I am super excited! I will be a QA Analyst.
I admit that I will be a little sad to leave my current place. I've known these people for almost 5 years and am very comfortable there. There are a few that I genuinely like and will certainly miss. So while sad, I have to keep moving forward for the greater good! The current chapter may be ending, but a new, exciting chapter is about to begin!
|Saturday, February 11th, 2012|
I feel like I have a lot to write about, and I've been meaning to do so for awhile now. First things first...Jim proposed! It happened before Christmas. We were decorating the tree, and he told me to pick out a couple last ornaments to put on it. I looked through what was left and there was an ornament that had "Marry Me" written on it in glitter glue. When I saw it, my brain couldn't quite comprehend it. Then it slowly sunk in and I turned around. Jim got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife. I was in complete and utter shock. I said "Yes! Of course!". It took awhile for me to really take it all in, but when I did, I was so incredibly happy. Now I have to figure out what to do for a wedding! We have to pay for it ourselves, so it's kinda difficult to plan right now. It really depends on how much we can save. Unless we just do something small and low-key, or run away to a tropical island by ourselves and do it. Even if we went "all-out", it would still be something tame. Neither one of us wants a big wedding, but even not-so-big weddings have their expenses.
The last few months at work have been crazy. I was working 60+ hours a week for a good amount of time. Granted, when my monthly paycheck was almost double what it usually is, it didn't seem quite so bad. But I was always tired and developed an eye twitch (which has since stopped). Work and other things were pissing me off and really getting to me for awhile. I was getting depressed and fed up with everything. But that seems to have just been a rough patch that has passed (depression hasn't really been an issue for me in the past 5 or so years, so when I feel it creeping back it always makes me concerned).
We got caught up on some new shows. Breaking Bad and Game of Thrones. Both are freaking amazing. There are 4 seasons of Breaking Bad so far, but Netflix only has the first 3 so that is all we have watched. But holy crap! The series starts off intense and just keeps getting more and more INTENSE! I love it, but I need the next season! Game of Thrones only has 1 season so far but it is so good! I'd been hearing good things about it for awhile but just never had the time to sit down and watch it. I'm finally learning everyone's name so I can stop referring to people by my nicknames for them...Boromir, the Malfoys, the dude who looks like Dave Navarro, the guy from The Full Monty/Still Standing, etc. I highly recommend Game of Thrones and Breaking Bad!
Lets see, what else...our heat pump broke and we were without heat for 2 weeks. We have a home warranty, but they were jerking us around so much it was ridiculous. We should have had it fixed within a day or two, but it took 2 weeks. And we still had to pay for a good chunk of everything. I've always heard bad things about home warranty companies and now I have experienced it first hand! Not cool.
Well, this is a pretty long update, and I can't think of anything else to say, so I will end it here!
|Sunday, October 2nd, 2011|
You think I'm mad
Because I'm quiet
You get frustrated
Because I don't talk
I'm not angry
But when you put me in a corner
That's where I go
And sometimes it's hard to come back
|Sunday, August 14th, 2011|
|Because I can
Because it is 8:55am on a Sunday, and I am trying to procrastinate before forcing myself to be productive, I am going to do this. All 10 days of it. Right now. I'm impatient. And bored.( Here we go!Collapse )
|Sunday, July 31st, 2011|
Ok, an update. The house is...coming along. There's nothing we need to do except finish unpacking and organizing and buying a bunch of things. But that costs money. Patio Furniture this month, a couch for the basement next month, it has to happen very piecemeal. Unless we wanted to put ourselves in debt. Which I refuse to let happen. I just hope we can get it together to have a housewarming party before summer ends.
My parents were in England for 2 months, they came home for 2 weeks, and then had to go back again. While they were home my Great Aunt died and my dad is the executor on the will. They were not too pleased about having to go right back there. So another one of my relatives that I didn't know too well is now dead. I used to see Auntie Pat whenever we visited when I was younger. But as I got to high school age I stopped visiting her. Last time we were over there (2 years ago) we stopped by and saw her. She got to meet Jim. I really enjoyed seeing her, so since then we had been writing letters to each other. My mum used to call her every week and apparently all she did was complain. But if she had received one of my letters she would be happy and be going on and on about how great it was. It made me super happy to be able to shed a little light into her world. When my parents were just over there, she had given my mum a silver statue of a cat to give to me and an old Winston Churchill coin to give to Jim. We got them 2 days before she died, so I never did get to write her a thank you letter.
I don't think I have much more to say, so that is all.
|Thursday, June 23rd, 2011|
I've recently embarked on a project that has me reading through all my old livejouranl entries. It has been quite the emotional roller coaster. But it has also been a wonderful experience. Getting to re-live the highs of certain moments, and really getting to see how far I've come when reading about the lows. So many memories that would have been lost if I hadn't written them down right then and there. I constantly say that I want to write in here more, and I do want to. I just never seem to get around to it. But this walk down memory lane has reminded me how great it is to have so many things documented. And I really want to be better about continuing to do that.
I have struggled with many "mental issues" in the past. Major depression said one therapist, social anxiety disorder said another, borderline personality disorder claimed a third. I think I was just a teenager. Sure, my upbringing played a huge part in things, boyfriends certainly had a big impact, and maybe there was some chemical imbalances. But whose life isn't like that growing up? Or at least has aspects of that?
Growing up in a family where you are not allowed to talk about your emotions, I had all these feelings inside that I didn't know what to do with. They often came out in unhealthy ways. In high school I wrote poetry. Bad, whiny, depressing poetry. But it was the only way to get out those thoughts and feelings. I started this journal in 2002. My second year of college. My depression was high, but hadn't reached its peak (you can read all about that in 2004!). Livejounal became my place to write down everything I was feeling. I am the most inarticulate person when it comes to talking about emotions. It will make sense in my head, but when asked to put it into words verbally, I am far from able. However, give me a pen and paper, or sit me in front of a computer and I can write for hours.
What I'm trying to say (in a very long winded way), is that these past few years I have grown up a lot. Matured. I'm not a depressed teenager anymore. I'm in a loving relationship with someone who has been patient enough to (for lack of a better word) teach me how to communicate. I no longer run to livejournal for solace, because I have my soulmate for that. He has also provided me with an incredibly supportive and loving environment in which to grow and become the person I am today. This has helped decrease the depression, anxiety, anger, and bad habits. Don't get me wrong, there are still days when I feel the depression is just a Smiths song away, and there are days when my anxiety completely overpowers me. But it's not every day. Not even close.
|Saturday, April 23rd, 2011|
Jim gave me the ok to tell people, so I assume that includes livejournal (facebook still isn't allowed to know). But...we bought a house!!! It's in Perkasie, PA. We are so super duper excited! Settlement is May 27th. The inspection is done and we have our loan, so now we pretty much just have to pack and move! We already have a vacation scheduled for the week before settlement, so that's a little bit of bad timing. But we just need to make sure we have everything done before we leave.
I guess that's about it for now.
|Sunday, April 3rd, 2011|
|There is a house in New Orleans...
I am in a strange mood tonight. Just one of those nights I guess. I was up early and took a nap late in the afternoon, so I'm awake and sleepy at the same time. Jim didn't take a nap so he is fast asleep in bed. Good. He needs his rest. He's had a stressful week. Then again, who hasn't? Work is still kicking my ass. 50 hour work weeks are less than desirable. However, the $600 extra dollars in my paycheck from overtime this month was pretty awesome.
I really wish I was better in social situations. I still tend to get very anxious and quiet. I need to spend time with people on a pretty regular basis to reach any sort of comfort level with them. I saw a group of friends today (we were helping someone move) who I have known for awhile now, but haven't seen recently as much as I used to. I felt awkward and anxious pretty much the entire time. I hate it. Jim and I have been hibernating over the winter and pretty much kept to ourselves. This needs to change if I want things to change. I mean, I love hanging out with Jim, but we both feel we need to socialize more. I'm also just not good in big groups. Out to dinner with 2 or 3 other people and I do much better. I dunno. Just something I need to work on I guess.
Well, I just got an unexpected phone call from an old college friend that really kinda cheered me up. So I think it is time for benadryl and sleep.
The Subject line has no meaning other than the lyrics of the song I was listening to.
|Sunday, January 23rd, 2011|
Well, it's been awhile since I made any sort of update, so I figured it was time. I guess the biggest news is my weight lost. I'm down 47 pounds, and have a mere 8 more to go before reaching my goal weight! I never thought I would be able to actually do it, but here I am. And it honestly hasn't been all that difficult.
I've been working like a fiend. My co-worker (and 1 of the 3 people in my department) no longer works at my company so it has caused a lot of work and stress for me and my other co-worker who is left. 9-10 hour days, plus a few hours on the weekend, all to try and get caught up. It's rough, but you gotta do what you gotta do.
Jim and I have been looking at houses with one of my mum's realtor friends. There is one in Perkasie that I think is absolutely perfect, and right in our price range. But Jim wants to see other places before making any big decisions. And I agree, but I love this house, and am already very emotionally invested in it. Jim really likes it too, but someone has to be the logical person, making sure we don't rush into anything.
I feel kinda blah today. Partly from a late night out drinking in town with some co-workers, but also just feeling kinda down. There's just little things bothering me right now that seem to be joining forces. Provided it's not too cold out, I think today could be a good day to go for a walk in Doylestown with my camera and music. One of my favourite things to do, and usually helps brighten my mood.
|Saturday, November 13th, 2010|
Well, it's 6:30am and i have been trying to sleep for three hours now. I'm kinda giving up hope for now. So, what's been going on recently I hear you ask. Let's see... We almost made it to the Stewart/Colbert rally in DC the other week. Since Amtrak tickets skyrocketed, our brilliant idea was to drive to a metro station and take that in to the city. We just weren't counting on so many people having the same idea! We hit traffic on the way which slowed us down, and then we arrived at the Greenbelt metro station. Driving towards it we could see people walking there from a nearby parking lot, since the station's parking lot was full. The line at the station was ridiculous. But we'd come this far already. We parked and started walking. However, there were now people walking away from the station saying there was a three to four hour wait for tickets. This was at 12:30, and the rally was over at 3. We ended up going to a nearby bar and watching it on tv. So that kinda sucked. But the fact that we couldn't get there because there were so many people going, says something in and of itself. So that's cool.
We made it to two Halloween parties this year. We went as Bill and Sookie from True Blood. At the second party Jim won the award for best costume!
I'm down 38 pounds total for my weight loss. I am .1 pound away from the wii fit telling me I am normal weight! So freaking close!! My coworker keeps yelling at me to buy new pants since the ones I have are just completely hanging off me. I'm gonna try to do that this weekend I think. I'm just apprehensive about buying new clothes cause i still have more weight to lose. But one pair of pants won't hurt.
Well, that's all for now. Oh good. The sun is coming up...
|Saturday, October 9th, 2010|
I really want to move to Amsterdam. I have an urge. Everything is just so peaceful there. Much more relaxed and less stressful. An amazing vibe. I just nudged Jim on the couch to tell him we should move to Amsterdam. He agreed and then quickly fell back asleep. Well, I thought I had more to say, but I guess not. Here's a picture Jim took tonight:
|Sunday, September 12th, 2010|
Ever feel like you're destined for something more? I get into these moods where I really want to help people and really want to make a difference...yet I don't know how. I don't know what to do. And that frustrates the hell out of me. Maybe I'll spend tomorrow looking for volunteer work or something. That's at least somewhere to start.
|Wednesday, August 25th, 2010|
|Ramblings of a Stoned Mind
I lived in Ohio for 4 years. 4 measly years out of 28. Ages 6 through 10. It shouldn't mean that much to me. It should be a blip out of my life. And yet...it is not. Living in Ohio was such a wonderful time in my life. It was probably the last time I was truly happy. I often wonder what my life would be like if we hadn't moved. My dad swears that my depression resulted directly from that move. Maybe, maybe not, but I look back at that time as something almost magical.
To this day, I am still friends with some of my friends from back then. One in particular I have known since I was 6 years old. She is a wonderful person and I love her dearly. Most people I have lost touch with, so when I go back to visit, I go to visit her. She's always got a place for me to sleep. While enjoying the catch up time with my oldest friend, I get to enjoy being back in Worthington. Driving by the old house and seeing the big tree out front that Paul and I used to climb. Walking around the mall, where I would try to find the best way to get as much candy as I could for a dollar. Driving along the same path I took to school for 4 years. So many memories. So many happy memories. I get to re-live it all when I am back.
My friend is moving. Moving far away. I am so incredibly happy and excited for her. I can't stress this enough. However, there is a part of me that is deeply saddened. She was my link...my connection back to Ohio. Back to that wonderful time in my life. And it's gone. I'm sure her parents would let me stay with them if I wanted to visit. But it's just not the same without her.
So while I am so happy for my friend, A part of me can't help but feel a little sad.
|Friday, July 2nd, 2010|
My mum had told me about a bra shop in North Wales that caters to more endowed women, so since I had the day off of work today, I decided to check it out. The woman gave me a bunch of bras to try on, and none of them fit. She was basically like "well, this is the largest size we carry, so there's not much we can do for you.". So frustrating!! I've even lost 20 pounds, and yet none of it seems to have come from my boobs, which scares me, because maybe surgery is the only answer. I'm going to keep trying to lose weight, but between the back pain and inability to find bras and clothes that fit, I'm reaching my breaking point.
That is all.
|Wednesday, May 26th, 2010|
|My take on the season finale of Lost
I get it.
It's about the bigger picture. The lives of these people, and their importance to one another. They lived together, and they didn't die alone. But what about all the unanswered questions? What's that you say? They don't matter? They all lived happily ever after, so we have closure? Well, that would be fine. If I hadn't been led to believe for six years, that everything would be answered. It would all make sense in the end. Don't get me wrong, the finale was emotional and I loved that the characters got to be with the people they loved in the end. But what about Walt? He was a huge part of season 1. He was special. What about The Dharma Initiative? All their tests and experiments? What were they about? Supposedly to find a way to kill the man in black. How did they find out about the man in black? Richard Alpert and "the others" were "the hostiles" to them, so it's not like they were working together. And how is observing someone pushing a button every 108 days going to stop the smoke monster? What about the cages on the other island? The tests on the polar bears? What about the numbers? If they were the numbers of the candidates, why were they on the hatch that The Dharma Initiative had built? These are just questions off the top off my head. I kept watching because I had faith that even though it didn't make sense to me at the time, it would all be explained in the end. Yet I am left feeling like Richard Alpert when he found out Jacob was dead. He'd been following him blindly for so long because Jacob had told him he had a plan.
Both myself and Jim were disappointed with the episode, and yet there seem to be many people who loved it. I think it depends on how people were watching the show. Some people were watching for character development, some people were just following the story. I was watching for answers (among the other things). Jim has a need to know how things work. For us, saying it's about the bigger picture, just seems like a cop out because there were too many things they couldn't answer. I do believe the writers had a general idea of the direction of the entire series and how they wanted things to go. However, I also think that as they were writing it, they started thinking of more things to add. And when it came down to it, there just wasn't time to answer the questions they'd made us ask. And some things just wouldn't make sense if the writers were forced to answer "why?".
I still love the show as a whole, and would never say I have wasted years of my life watching it. It has brought me many happy memories and plenty of fun conversations with people. But the finale definitely left me feeling unsatisfied.
|Saturday, May 1st, 2010|
A friend of mine on livejournal posted this on her journal "This one is easy. Just comment and I will respond back with a picture that symbolizes a part of you to me. I won't explain it with words, just that picture." I was curious as to what she would pick for me, so I commented. This was the picture she chose:
I'm not sure exactly how long we have been lj friends, but it was definitely since sometime back in college (probably somewhere around 2003). She has been around since the lowest of the low. And she has seen me grow and lose the depression and debilitating anxiety, and become the person I am today. The happy person in love and living with the most wonderful man, holding down a steady job for almost 3 years now, and having a good group of friends. Even just since I started dating Jim, I have grown so much. My insecurities have lessened, and I feel more confident. To look at where I was 6 years ago, and to know where I am now is completely mind-blowingly amazing for me. And to realize that someone else was not only along for the ride, but noticed the same thing, is just simply incredible.
|Friday, April 16th, 2010|
This week hasn't gone horribly, but it could have gone better. However, it could have easily also gone worse. I only made it to the gym once (wednesday), but we have plans to go tomorrow. Monday at work was a pot luck and everyone brought in lots of delicious food...and I had none of it! I was very impressed with myself. Some of the ladies have created a tradition of going out to lunch every wednesday. This week was no exception. I had chicken salad in a pita. Not great (health-wise), but not tooooo bad. Thursday I met up with Joe and Vic for lunch (where I had my usual apple walnut chicken salad. Well, half of it, and I had the other half for lunch today). Then thursday for dinner I was supposed to meet up with Katie and Amanda at Applebees for dinner. Katie was there, but Amanda never showed. I found out later she had had a migraine all day and had forgotten. I actually ended up with a migraine that night, so I completely understood. But for dinner there I had one of their weight watchers meals and no dessert! I did however, have a couple of Katie's BBQ wings and fries. But not too many.
I haven't weighed myself yet this week, but I don't feel like I've really lost any weight. I certainly don't look like it either. But sticking to my diet hasn't been too painful, so I will keep this up for as long as possible. Hopefully until I lose at least 30 pounds! But we'll see. I guess that's about all for now.